Wise old Man….!

Grandad and Granny went away for a few days last month. He told us they went to a small comfortable hotel in the west. Part of that story was true, they did go to the west but it was a camping holiday.

After they got their tent all set up, both Granny & Grandad fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Granny wakes Grandad and says, "St James’s Street tonight, look up to the sky; what do you see?"

Grandad replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Granny.

Grandad scratches his head and ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Granny?"

"You are dumber than K8’s dog. Someone has stolen our tent."

Travel

Now Grandad has the crazy idea of climbing up Everest. Little does he know how long an expedition like that will take, there are the months of preparation and then all that sitting around waiting for the clouds to clear…

Granny certainly needs the break so the longer it takes the more rest she will get.

Now I have an idea…

She and I might take a trip in the other direction well out of harms way.

We will go to Canada. It is a great big place with plenty of wide open spaces. There are plenty of Mountains and ‘Mounties’ to explore…

We might take that train journey from one coast to the other. When we have had enough of the scenery we might meet up with ‘The Raging Grannies’. They have branches all over the place. In fact we might learn some of their songs and start up our own branch in Ireland when we get back.

Shoes

There was a time in my young days when passing the window of a shoe shop, particularly in early springtime, was an utter impossibility for me. It was a time when my hard earned cash provided me with a new outfit each spring, summer, autumn and winter. These outfits became ‘Sunday best’. The purchasing was not complete until the hat; gloves, bag and shoes all matching, were chosen.

I am talking about the days where all well mannered young ladies attending any job interview arrived punctually wearing her hat and her gloves. On entering the interview room she stood until invited to sit down. When sitting she kept her knees together and not crossed, keeping her gloves on throughout the meeting! “Why?” I hear you ask. Taking off ones gloves was considered forward and gave the impression that you were there to stay! Gosh I am so glad that things have moved on since then.

Leaving that tangent, I come back to my topic of shoes. I am not quite in the ‘Imelda Marcos’ category but I do confess to several pairs of shoes. I like to keep them clean and place shoe-trees in them as soon as I take them off. This helps keep them in shape and good condition. When they have cooled off I store them in their boxes lined with tissue. I have shoes that were purchased eight or nine years ago and still they look like new. They have spent more time on my feet than in the boxes.

Yesterday I ventured out to look for a new pair of shoes to go with the outfit that Elly helped me choose for her wedding. I headed for Ballymena and McKillen’s a well known Footwear Emporium in these parts. I walked slowly past the goods on display and realised once more that age was catching up on me. On past visits I have found difficulty in choosing only one pair of shoes. This time I was saddened that nothing appealed to me – I came away empty handed. I did find another shop who had a pair in the colour I wanted but alas not in my size. They offered to call their other branches this morning to see if they had my size. A phone call in the last hour confirmed my hunch that I was out of Luck. I am back to square one.

Now in desperation I have searched the net and think I have found the very thing. I wonder if I posted them to Granny would she wear them for a day or two to break them in for me.

So what do you think lads, would these heels do something for you?

Would You Like a Coffee?

Now we all know that Grandad is very fond of drinking coffee. He is forever telling us about his trips down to the village to have some. Maybe Granny refuses to serve it at home……

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her G.P. to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor?

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to
progress.

The poor woman exclaimed, "Oh, Saint Francis tonight! T'was terrible. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T’was the best sex I've had in 25 years. But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in the village coffee shop again!"

Urgent Help Needed

Nancy where are you? We have not heard from you for such a long time. I am really getting worried because ‘my new best friend’ Granny has not appeared for several days. That ‘ould codger’ Grandad said she had the flu but we all know he is a very jealous man….. He is fighting with Twenty and worse still using ‘Twenty’s’ dreadful language.

Since Granny & Offspring have started to blog he has really tipped over the edge. He claims that Bertie Aheron is digging holes in the lane near his house. In this frame of mind anything is possible.

Is there any chance Nancy of you contacting your friend ‘GW’ and arranging a team of spies to come over and suss things out?

Dario while you have a long weekend to yourself run up the mountain and have a little snoop about. If you ask nicely John of Dublin might bring his camera

Check out the pigsty and the hen house and then make sure Granny is not trussed up and bundled into the hayloft.

I suppose there is a chance she has locked herself away for some peace to get on with her creative writing. She should have come to stay with me as the only men allowed here are toy-boys and I would keep them well away from her! ;)

Now listen Boys, you better watch out as tiddles is on the loose!

Granny’s Visit

Granny when you come up to stay with me you better bring the purse. I saw something this afternoon that might make a good little present for Grandad.

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

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