Wise old Man….!

Grandad and Granny went away for a few days last month. He told us they went to a small comfortable hotel in the west. Part of that story was true, they did go to the west but it was a camping holiday.

After they got their tent all set up, both Granny & Grandad fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Granny wakes Grandad and says, "St James’s Street tonight, look up to the sky; what do you see?"

Grandad replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Granny.

Grandad scratches his head and ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Granny?"

"You are dumber than K8’s dog. Someone has stolen our tent."

Cheers!

I’m going to a Party. I was going to bring my friends. They might have fun. I know they want to go away for a few days.

Granny, Grandad & Sandy

I know Grandad has Whiskey I heard him boasting about it on a Podcast. If we are nice he might bring some. He makes some wild cocktails

Now for the cake:

Conortje have a good one!

Travel

Now Grandad has the crazy idea of climbing up Everest. Little does he know how long an expedition like that will take, there are the months of preparation and then all that sitting around waiting for the clouds to clear…

Granny certainly needs the break so the longer it takes the more rest she will get.

Now I have an idea…

She and I might take a trip in the other direction well out of harms way.

We will go to Canada. It is a great big place with plenty of wide open spaces. There are plenty of Mountains and ‘Mounties’ to explore…

We might take that train journey from one coast to the other. When we have had enough of the scenery we might meet up with ‘The Raging Grannies’. They have branches all over the place. In fact we might learn some of their songs and start up our own branch in Ireland when we get back.

Would You Like a Coffee?

Now we all know that Grandad is very fond of drinking coffee. He is forever telling us about his trips down to the village to have some. Maybe Granny refuses to serve it at home……

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her G.P. to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor?

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to
progress.

The poor woman exclaimed, "Oh, Saint Francis tonight! T'was terrible. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T’was the best sex I've had in 25 years. But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in the village coffee shop again!"

Urgent Help Needed

Nancy where are you? We have not heard from you for such a long time. I am really getting worried because ‘my new best friend’ Granny has not appeared for several days. That ‘ould codger’ Grandad said she had the flu but we all know he is a very jealous man….. He is fighting with Twenty and worse still using ‘Twenty’s’ dreadful language.

Since Granny & Offspring have started to blog he has really tipped over the edge. He claims that Bertie Aheron is digging holes in the lane near his house. In this frame of mind anything is possible.

Is there any chance Nancy of you contacting your friend ‘GW’ and arranging a team of spies to come over and suss things out?

Dario while you have a long weekend to yourself run up the mountain and have a little snoop about. If you ask nicely John of Dublin might bring his camera

Check out the pigsty and the hen house and then make sure Granny is not trussed up and bundled into the hayloft.

I suppose there is a chance she has locked herself away for some peace to get on with her creative writing. She should have come to stay with me as the only men allowed here are toy-boys and I would keep them well away from her! ;)

Now listen Boys, you better watch out as tiddles is on the loose!

I forgot to tell you…

A few weeks ago I was away for a few days it was a quiet break in the country. I went out walking one morning, and lo and behold, who do you think I saw? Now I pulled the scarf tightly under my chin and kept my head down. Over a wall between a chicken run and a pigsty I saw Him – yes the one and only Grandad. I was sure it was himself by the way he was muttering. I stooped down behind the wall to listen to what he was saying.

It went like this:

“I'm the life and soul of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy,

I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.”

Granny’s Visit

Granny when you come up to stay with me you better bring the purse. I saw something this afternoon that might make a good little present for Grandad.

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

PINO MORE

Grannymar Returns

My Truelove

Now you may have noticed that I have not mentioned my truelove for some time. This is because of the complications. There is another woman! Yes I am the other woman because he has a wife. Maybe that is why he won’t come down from the mountain to escort me to the Irish Blog Awards on Saturday.

Now I want let him know that I will miss him even if I have a trail of Toyboys running after me. I wonder how he will spend the evening?

I suppose he will relax with ‘Herself’ by the fire…

Or maybe do a little dancing round the room….

But since the winter is nearly over they might start planning their holiday…..

Grandad we will all miss you on Saturday.

Did Elvis sing this?

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?

(Senior Citizen Version)

Are you lonesome tonight?

Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain?

Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets,

It's as good as it gets,

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building

I have no idea who wrote these lyrics, perhaps it was Grandad!
Since Elly won't let me sing this is not a Podcast! Anyway rotten tomatoes on my monitor might prove very messy.

My Escort

Since my Truelove Grandad lives half way up a mountain and refuses to come down and escort me to the Awards Ceremony, I have the problem of finding a suitable alternative.


It will have to be a Toyboy!

Now how should I go about this?

He must be tall, slim and strong with a few soft parts!


Now where will I start? No time for Speed-dating.


Yipee! I found him.

He is a Cork Man. Hope you approve!

Grannymar's Escort

Awards Ceremony

Oh Dear!, Now I am in trouble!

Jett Low has offered his services as Toyboy for the evening, but my Truelove

Grandad

might feel very annoyed.

I am still looking for the bike, ah! I found it... I wonder if I can still do this....

Grandad has appointed me as his official Ambassador at the Alexander Hotel. I was never an Ambassador before. I better get a new outfit.



Will this do?

The Things People Say

A Blind Date

Following a recent Podcast about Nancy’s visit to Belfast Grandad was moved to follow up with one of his own. In it he revealed his interest in politics and elections.

We will have elections up here in March and if he came back well maybe he would get to meet ‘The Rev P’ and then we might have a blind date in the Crown!

Don’t you think we would make a handsome couple!

Grannymar & Grandad

It’s a Secret

This is still very hush-hush! You must not tell anybody because it is MY secret.

Grandad really, reeeeeeally loves me! How do I know? He has made a proposal. Now you are to say nothing, because ‘herself’ doesn’t know about it yet. He is waiting for the right moment to tell her!

Well the proposal is that I can become a partner in his Web Design Company. Grandad wants me to give him €5,000 deposit as a sign of good faith. The problem is that he wants the money by this time tomorrow.

I suppose I could borrow from Elly’s inheritance. Sure she won’t need it for awhile. By the time she does it will surely have doubled if not trebled or quadrupled. I better check to see how much I have in the mattress.

This is all a bit complicated because he wants me to send it by Brown email. I have looked at my computer on the front, the back and all sides but there is no slot to put the money in. Can anyone help me?

Grandad says it must be a Brown email because he wants to lodge it in his off-shore account…

Now where did he say the account was? Oh yes! Now I remember it is on The Blasket Islands.

Now not a word about this until we find a way to tell ‘herself’ and Elly!

It must be Grandad!

Where is my spray? Oh gosh I can’t breathe! Get me my spray quick this is far too much for me!

While reading an article in the Guardian online by James Walkman, I came across a piece about Mascara for men! Yes Mascara for men is now in the shops. It’s in the men's department. For men.

Now I can about imagine Grandad with his mouth twisted and his tongue hanging, with one eye shut as he tries to focus on the other, while at the same time trying not to poke his eye out with the wand (yes that is what you call it)! His aim being to add ‘an attractive shimmer and enhance, or create a sensuousness that will captivate and make his eyes come alive!

Life in the village will never be the same again!

Do you think he will wear it to the Irish Blog Awards?

Thank goodness I won’t be there!

Cellulite

Grandad has offered solve my cellulite problem. Thankfully there is no mention of Botox. He says he can use sand-blasting, Pollyfilla or Photoshop? Hopefully some of you out there can advise me which method would be most suitable and long lasting. I have a wedding coming up and if he can’t help I might have to resort to a flour bag!

I have tried the Photoshop method myself, but it is very difficult walking around with a photograph stuck to my face. It becomes lob-sided very quickly in this windy weather, or soggy and streaked when it rains.

All suggestions gratefully received.