What are you UP to?

About two months ago I was buzzed on Skype by a gentleman from Italy. He asked if I had a few minutes to talk to him. It was a dull, boring wet day so I agreed to talk for five minutes or so. He told me his name, where he lived and what he did for a living. Then he asked several questions which I answered without giving away any information.

“Now it is my turn” I said, “Why did you pick me?” He said he looked for an English speaker in the UK and my name came up top of the list. I had a go at that one, I tried several countries, and the list showed up each time in alphabetical order. Now on Skype I do not use either my own name or Grannymar, let me just say the one I use would come after the word Skype on the list! (One day all these names will be a problem as I won’t remember who I am supposed to be!) Again I queried this with Romano Italiano. He assured me he was genuine and asked if I would help him with his English! Now my father always warned me about fellows inviting me to see their etchings, but never anything about helping them with their English! Anyway Romano Italiano was over there in Italy and surely no harm could come to me at this distance. He asked if I had a Webcam, which I don’t, and then he asked and wanted to be assured I was over 18 years of age. He had a webcam and used it so that I was able to see him speak. He has a good voice, pleasing face but seems a very serious chap who seldom smiles!

So what do I do? I was never a teacher. My spelling and grammar are woeful as you all know, so how do I get round this one?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are chocolates or toffees while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

What hope have I when there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP?"

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the politicians UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, queue UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is bunged UP. We open UP a shop in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! If you wish to be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost ¼ of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP

I could go on and on, but I'll finish UP, because my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP....!

Oh . . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U-P

A Thought for Sunday

The local minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon last week.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate sauce.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate sauce - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Almost ready for the Big Event

The sewing is completed for the wedding, the boxes, bags and clothes hangers are all sorted and ready to load into the car. So what have I left to do?

!. Prepare a short Mother of the Bride speech of welcome and share a few of Elly’s escapades from her young life. She has not yet realised that my dementia is selective….

2, Decide on my party-piece for the evening. Now I wonder …

‘My Favourite Things’ is a harmless little ditty.

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Now let me see if I remember the lyrics:-

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac’s and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

We remember our favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
when the bones creak,
when the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

Then we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
when the eyes grow dim,
then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

These lyrics are courtesy of Julie Andrews she chose them for a performance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall

I wonder where I might find a singing teacher…

The very thing the yellow Pages!

Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out!

At University College Dublin, there were four students taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four Guys were so confident, that the weekend before their finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to UCD until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final exam then, they decided that after the final, they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.

They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?

Dario I hope it wasn't you!

Talents & Gifts

Being human we seldom realise or recognise our own talents. I often look at the work of photographers and marvel at the amazing images they produce. Gingerpixel is one and Richard M, who I mentioned in a previous post, is another. I point a camera and if I am lucky I manage to produce something that is almost recognisable.

Praise was not something my parents served up very often in my young days. It was usually “What are you at now? You know you will never finish it.” I suppose those words made me more determined to complete whatever I was at, usually some sewing, and prove I could do something.

I remember hiding away in my bedroom one afternoon to find some peace and quiet to read a book that a friend had given me. My mother called up to me to know what I was up to. “Nothing, just reading” I said. “Well stop wasting time and come down here and do something useful!” she said. I came down as asked and the useful task assigned to me was to peel ½ stone of potatoes for the dinner. Seven pounds of potatoes were consumed on a daily basis in our household, that was when we were small in number, my parents four brothers my sister and myself. When we had visitors, which was a regular occurrence the mound of potatoes grew even bigger. Of course we had plenty of vegetables to be scrubbed, peeled and chopped to go with the potatoes and they just appeared at my side as I was about to finish the spuds.

There were days when Mammy might exclaim “I have nothing for dessert, would you ever whip up a sponge cake. Now this was before we had an electric mixer or a food processor. My only aid was a hand mixer and it took an eternity to beat up the eggs until they were stiff and left the mark of the beaters in the mixture. All that work to see the cake arrive on the table where it was cut in eight slices and devoured in ten seconds!! What is it with eggs? I made the sponge cakes, pancakes, and scrambled eggs. They were about the only things I was praised for.

Mary my father’s eldest sister is the person who fostered my love of a needle. She taught me to crochet and to read a sewing pattern properly. I had lessons on her old treadle sewing machine and she helped to make my first dress. To this day I still see it in my minds eye. Being the early sixties it was simple sleeveless fully lined and had two fringed patch pockets on the front. Auntie Mary was a teacher and had a love for her craft and passed on her knowledge with love and gentle dedication. I have never forgotten anything that she taught me.

Over this past year while working on Elly’s special outfit I thought of Auntie Mary many times. So when I make a quiet toast to Absent Loved Ones on the big day Auntie Mary will be high up on that list.

It's not what you say, it's the way that you say it!

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